Relationships are works-in-progress and require a few course-corrections to reach their full potential. If you and your spouse are feeling the impact of anger issues, poor communication or an inability to compromise, then do not despair; you can improve your situation. Developing the tools of open and honest communication, learning to negotiate a compromise, and committing to change will get you back on the road to happiness. I had this former neighbor who have three boys. They fight none stop, from morning to late in the night when everyone else is trying to get some sleep. I often times wonder why they always fight. Could it be that t they did not know each other’s anger issues before they said I do? Or are they both trying to control each other? Whatever the case maybe, the kids are learning from them because on so many occasions I saw them being hostile and stubborn to people. It would be a different matter if you have a difficult spouse to handle because you will always have to deal with him and his problems or nagging attitude. Yes, it is not only women that nags; men do too.
Some women compare living with a difficult husband to living by an active volcano. One always lives in a constant state of alertness—always waiting for something to blow up. Even a small outburst can immediately throw you off-balance and ruin a perfectly lovely day for you. But one thing you have to keep in mind is that he is your husband and even if you sleep at night angry with him, you will wake up in the morning to see the same face. What difference does it make then? How do you handle a difficult husband?
Determine if confronting your husband is worth it: Maybe you are in the habit of confronting your husband when he gets angry then be rest assured that you won’t have peace of mind in your home. When your husband is at his worst, the best thing for you to do is to confront him in such a way that he will feel helpless and stop complaining at that spot. Even when you decide to confront him, do it in such a way that he will have a rethink and start being a good husband.
‘My husband is not a difficult man to handle but we do have some little fight sometimes’ said Mrs. Hannah Charles. Whenever I noticed that my husband is getting angry, I know that getting angry too will lead to a serious fight so I just keep my calm. I will move close to him and hug him, then whisper softly in his and say ‘come on now my love I am sorry just try and relax”. I know I am not at fault all the time but that way peace will reign’.
Whatever you want to say to him, say it with love: The more difficult something is to hear, the more gently and tenderly it must be said. Honesty without gentleness is brutal. Make sure that what you have to say needs to be said. Sometimes it is better to pray to the Almighty for wisdom when you want to talk to your husband. Remember that men are really very vulnerable. So, the calmer your voice is, the better.
Pick a good time to talk: Avoid early morning conversations when you or your spouse might be grumpy or trying to plan for the day ahead. Another thing is to try not to talk immediately when he gets home from work. Let him relax and settle down before you approach him. If you feel the best way to have a good conversation is by going out then tell him. Talking in public places might be beneficial. Your husband is less likely to get upset for fear of being embarrassed. Align as many positive things as you can to set the stage for positive communication.
Figure out what is really going on: If you know that you haven’t been doing anything that would constitute your spouse’s negative responses, then it’s time to roll up your sleeves and get to work. This is the perfect opportunity to practice your problem-solving skills. Sometimes it could be due to the problem of the woman being stubborn and all. So, the husband feels the best thing to do is to be difficult. According to a married woman who doesn’t want her name in print, she said she noticed that her husband became so difficult all of a sudden. I had to find out why he was always getting angry and taking it out on me. He decided to open up to be and told me that he is facing a lot if difficulties with his job. He was always down and I know I needed my husband back so I had to reassure him that all will be fine because I am with him. With time things started to get normal and he was back to being his normal self.
Conclusively, it may not be possible to “fix” a difficult partner; but with extra effort and patience, it is possible to change some of their behaviors for the better. Therefore, if you find yourself stuck in a losing battle with an unreasonable lover, try a few softening techniques. Change things up and build some good feelings into the discussion. Acknowledge and reward them for all of the good things they do. After that, rather than focusing on the bad and punishing them, direct them instead to what you would “prefer” they do. You might just have a more satisfying outcome.
Overall, N. C., Simpson, J. A., Struthers, H. (2013) Buffering attachment-related avoidance: Softening emotional and behavioral defenses during conflict discussions. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 104, 854-871.
By Pupwaya Timothy Dibal