The English Exam
I was a candidate at a JAMB Examination. We were writing Use of English. I shaded the ones I knew and was waiting for manner to fall from heaven when I noticed a very beautiful girl sitting beside me. She was shading and was not looking up. Through the help of my long neck, I peeped and checked her work, she was on number 65, I was still on number 21 and time was running out. I quickly thanked God and started shading along with her.
We got to number 98 together and suddenly she looked up, caught me and shouted in a low tone, “What is it? Why is you dey copying me? Copys! copys! You is not shaming! As big as you are! You is disgrace to your manhood!
Na so I shout “Heeeey! heeeeyyy!!! I am finished! Who has eraser?!!!”
Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new CEO for Microsoft Europe. Five thousand candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Bomboy, a Naija guy. Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asked those who do not know Java program to leave. Two thousand candidates left the room. Bomboy says to himself, “I do not know Java but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I’ll give it a try. Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had the experience of managing more than 100 people to leave. Two thousand left the room. Bomboy says to himself “I never managed anybody by myself, but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?” So he stays. Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave. Five hundred people left the room. Bomboy says to himself, “I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?” So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serb-Croatian to leave. Four hundred ninety-eight candidates left the room. Bomboy says to himself, “I do not speak one word of Serb – Croatian but what do I have to lose?” So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate, Feranmi. Everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joined them and said, “Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serb – Croatian, so I’d now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.” Calmly, Feranmi turns to the Bomboy and says, “Wahala wa o!” And Bomboy answers “wahala gidi!!!”
Naija no dey carry Last!
Akpos and Bad News
Akpos’ elder brother, Tommy, traveled to London months ago, leaving behind Akpos, their aged mom and their pet cat, Kelly. Last week Tommy called from London to know how they’re doing…
TOMMY: Hello brother how are you doing? how’s mom and how is Kelly?
AKPOS: Kelly is Dead!
TOMMY (after a pause): Akpos, bad news is not revealed in that manner. U should have started by saying something like, “Kelly fell inside a well but neighbours are trying to rescue it”. Then when I call again you tell me, “Kelly broke its neck and is receiving treatment”. Then when I call again, you tell me they did their best but couldn’t save it. That’s how to break bad news in a mature way. OK?
AKPOS: Ok bros, understood.
TOMMY: Ok, so how is Mom?
AKPOS: Bros, Mom fell inside a well, but neighbours are trying to rescue her.
(Phone cuts). Tommy has been admitted in a private hospital in London after going into coma.